that's no longer me

 Past and future should meet gently at the present, not collide in a shower of sparks over a field of dread. Why did I let myself be drawn back into a way of life I no longer value? Today is the Kidsave Miracle Makers Golf Classic, and I am trying to get myself into the volunteer spirit.

Unfortunately, this comes too soon upon the bliss of my Kripalu retreat. It is jarring and out of step.

I'm not having issues with doing something good for the children who need families. I'm having issues with diving back into the country club scene, the culture of materialism, and so many things I really have left behind me. I am not looking forward to spending the afternoon wearing chinos and a black golf shirt (volunteer's uniform). Just maybe, I am looking forward to setting up the silent auction. I am clearly ambivalent about the entire proceeding, but I gave my word and I will be there. 

Manicured. Grey family diamonds at the ready for tonight's dinner. I am not wearing black to that. I have a deep violet silk ensemble, the jacket hand dyed in shades of violet, aqua and green. At least I will vibrate on a serene frequency.

One last time. Next year I will say no.

I have to remember the power of each individual's contribution to the world.  I must support the things I value the most.